And, now, the conclusion...
Scarlett the Fairy goes out for Pizza
When we last left Scarlett the Fairy, she hovered in front of a sign that read “Welcome to Adelaide”. At first our young heroine had been convinced that she was near San Diego, given the dry conditions. Now, she believed that the sign was wrong and that she was either in Adel, Montana, or Adelphi, Ohio instead.
It should be noted that while the Montana location itself can be a bit dry, neither location was served by a nearby international airport.
None of that particularly bothered the young redheaded fairy, I should tell you. Instead she flew on and suddenly sniffed the air. She smelled something nearby.
No, not that! Though, when you do get around a herd of sheep, it’s just as bad as being around a group of teenaged boys during a flatulence contest.
Talk about clearing the air.
But that’s another story.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Scarlett could smell something, and that was the aroma of cooking beef. Instantly, our young heroine salivated.
Kind of makes you wonder if Backflash’s drummer was nearby, doesn’t it?
Oops. Heh, heh. Don’t tell her I told you about that. She’d be embarrassed, though it is cute.
Well, she flew on and found some men and women on what looked like a ranch. There were grills set up and in use and she smiled. But to her amazement, a couple of the men cooked a steak on a large flat shovel that was set up on some hot coals near a large fire pit. On the fire pit itself, there was a large iron kettle set up and chili was being cooked.
Now, Scarlett was convinced that she was in Addicks, Texas instead. You know, for someone who passed geography class at Lawndale High School, Scarlett can really be flighty when it comes to her own orientation.
I mean, you could drop me off in the middle of North Dakota with just my wallet and the clothes on my back, and I’d still end up in either the Loop in downtown Chicago, or at Broad and Market in Philadelphia.
Why’s that? Well, if I’m going to be left behind in the middle of Nowhere, North Dakota, then when I leave, I’ll go where I want to, and I want to go to Chicago and Philadelphia.
But that’s another story.
Now the outdoor partiers saw Scarlett and invited her to join in on the festivities. Now, she didn’t drink any beer, though one joker did offer her a Foster’s.
If you’re going to offer a fairy a Foster’s, why don’t you just go all the way and offer her a Schlitz, or a Stroh’s, or a Bud Light? Or, heaven forbid, a Carling’s Black Label?
Scarlett felt bad when the others kicked that particular man out of the party. I guess that there’s such a thing as going too far even at a party. One of the women offered her instead a Solo Original Lemon soft drink.
Our young heroine had never heard of the Solo beverage, but assumed that it was a regional soft drink, much like Red Rock Cola, Moxie, Ale-8-One, and Sun Drop.
Since she liked the flavor, she wondered how far from Lawndale she’d have to go so that she could buy some cans of Solo for herself.
The party was a pleasant experience for Scarlett, even if she wondered about everyone’s accents and the dry heat. Despite that, her hunger overrode her wonder. After all, she really hadn’t had anything to eat since right after she had gotten out of bed in Lawndale.
To keep it in perspective, Scarlett had gone from Baltimore to Adelaide, via Dubai, and that’s a long time to go without a decent meal.
Even for a fairy.
Despite the good food and soft drinks, Scarlett still had her sights set on her Chicago-style stuffed crust pizza. So as she ate, she wondered just how far she was from Chicago itself. After all, she was getting tired of airplanes.
Well, after she ate and visited some, Scarlett left her newfound friends to see if there was a bus or train that she could take to Chicago.
But as she flew, it dawned on her that she had a problem. The dry conditions concerned her, since she knew that Chicago was rarely ever this dry. She began to wonder if she weren’t in San Diego instead of Texas, Montana or Ohio.
That was when Scarlett saw the kangaroos, and realized that she was even further from Chicago than that. Some of the kangaroos ate, many of them played, and a few of them even slept.
She even realized that there would be neither bus nor train service for her destination. In fact, Scarlett now knew for a fact just where Adelaide was. It’s not that she was dumb, you know...she’s just flighty.
Don’t tell her that I told you that, O.K.? If she asks you, just tell her that Kevin said it, and we’ll all be fine.
Well, maybe Kevin won’t, but I won’t complain about that if you don’t.
Back to our story. The kangaroos suddenly noticed our young heroine, and surrounded her. Despite her tendency to kick butt and take names, Scarlett is reluctant to attack members of the animal kingdom unless she really had to. Such as when they cheat her, or laugh at her makeup job.
Just a few words of warning. Never ever make fun of a female fairy’s makeup, or her perfume for that matter. It can be painful.
Now, the kangaroos moved around the redheaded fairy, almost as if they were starting a conga line. Then they started dancing to music.
No, the song wasn’t Waltzing Matilda. That’s a cliche, and besides, only emus do that. The kangaroos instead started dancing to I Touch Myself - which they then demonstrated for her.
Scarlett flew straight up and rushed back towards the airport before she could be further traumatized. In fact, the sight of kangaroos being naughty was enough to make our young heroine go for the first corporate jet she could find with a U.S. flag on the tail fin. She snuck aboard and hid herself until the plane took off and flew to the northeast.
It wasn’t until the aircraft reached cruising altitude, however, that the redheaded fairy realized that she wasn’t onboard a corporate jet at all. The men and women aboard were all slightly inebriated, and were getting undressed. To her absolute horror, she realized that she had chosen a...party plane, so to speak.
The alcohol was flowing, there were...questionable things being smoked, and finally there was clothing all over the floor.
You know, by the time Scarlett gets home, she’s never going to want to even think of the Mile High Club ever again.
In case you’re worried about our young heroine being exposed to NC-17 experiences, it should be noted that she just turned eighteen. Yes, I’m telling the truth. What did you get her for her birthday?
I got her a small quilt, so maybe that will keep me out of trouble...for a while, at least.
In order to escape the ribald activities in the passenger cabin, Scarlett snuck into the cockpit to hide amongst the pilots.
Doesn’t that word sound even dirtier than fairy fu? I think it does.
To our young fairy’s shock, the pilot was a petite brunette with short cut hair held down by her headset, a very friendly smile and the prettiest anklet socks she had ever seen.
What was odd was that the socks and headset were all the pilot had on. Her co-pilot wore even less, however, and his smile was more lewd than pretty.
Neither the pilot nor co-pilot saw the visiting fairy; the pilot had control of the aircraft and watched the instruments and the radar, as well as taking the occasional visual check out the windshield. The co-pilot, meanwhile, was busy checking out the pilot’s instruments.
Scarlett found herself a spot in what was the pilot’s closet and hid on a shelf above where all the flight crew’s clothing hung.
I wonder why her face was beet red in color? I’m not going to ask her, though. You can, but when you do, I intend to be several blocks away. That way I don’t risk being pulled into the fracas.
Even though she was certain she slept a few times for several hours, the flight seemed to take an eternity for Scarlett. She tried, not too successfully, I might point out, to dismiss the sounds coming from the passenger cabin, and not just the sounds you would expect, either.
There is only so many drunken renditions of Tubthumping and Mmmbop one should ever have to hear in his or her life. Based on how many times Scarlett heard those two songs, she shouldn’t have to hear them again until she turns 267.
I’d bet that she can still hear those songs in her mind right now. Why don’t you ask her about it sometime?
Finally, the closet door opened and from her hiding spot, she saw the nude pilot get dressed in her undergarments and a normal flight uniform, followed a few minutes later by the co-pilot.
When the plane landed, and she left, the skies were dark and foggy. As a result, she had absolutely no idea where she was. So she flew towards the nearest building and nearly cried when she read the sign.
Welcome to Chicago
Scarlett saw the restaurant and read the sign above the awning that read “Jeff’s Pizza”. Relieved that she had finally made it to her destination, the young fairy looked at the door and waited as a man loaded with three pizzas and leading two children exited. While the door was open, she flew inside.
The aroma of baking pizza was so strong that the young fairy hovered near the ceiling and took as much of it in as she could.
Finally, she flew to the counter and landed as a middle-aged man wearing a white apron over a T-shirt and blue jeans held an order pad ready to take her order (he was used to having fairies order pizzas, you see.)
The redheaded fairy then began to babble her story in her excitement. She tends to babble a lot whenever she gets excited. It’s actually kind of cute watching that in action.
Let’s keep that our little secret, shall we? I’ll be safer that way.
The man listened to her story and managed to get her order through all of that. He was impressed with her dedication, and served her a slice of stuffed crust sausage and mushroom pizza with a fairy-sized Ultra Cola while she waited.
Scarlett dug in hungrily as she watched the man prepare her order. It had been a long trip, and even though she had eaten that steak outside of Adelaide, she was still famished. Airline travel can take a lot out of people, and fairies, too..
Besides, do you realize how long a flight from Adelaide to Chicago takes? Not only that, but can you imagine how exhausting it can be trying to ignore people as they fool around in the back of the plane?
But that’s another story.
As she ate, it dawned on our young heroine that while she circled the globe and saw several strange wonders, she hadn’t had to...defend herself, or her honor, or even her own particular sense of fairness. She just had to hide and try to blank her mind out of some of the things she had seen.
That was certainly odd. But let’s just say that a lot of people don’t look like models, and I don’t think she’ll ever be able to un-see a lot of what she had seen.
Then the front door of the restaurant opened and drunken man who looked to be in his mid-thirties walked in. He shouted extremely colorful metaphors and made the air blue.
You would’ve thought that there were Smurfs in the place, you know.
Never mind about that, though. Everyone in the restaurant, both staff and customers, stared at him.
Scarlett frowned, because his shouting interfered with the Backflash song she had punched up in the jukebox.
Then the drunk yelled at the man who happened to be preparing Scarlett’s pizza. The prep stopped and the older man walked to the counter in an effort to listen to the man, and possibly calm him down.
Our young fairy stood on the counter and put her hands on her hips. She did NOT circumnavigate the globe just to have some loud and smelly drunk interfere with her pizza order.
The cook tried to calm the man down then, but that didn’t work. Instead, the angry drunk grabbed both the cook’s shirt and apron with his left hand and pulled back his right fist to make a more blunt point.
Suddenly, the drunk’s face slammed into the counter - twice - and Scarlett could be seen holding him by the hair on the back of his head. The drunk released the cook’s apparel and when the fairy released his hair, he fell to the floor, unconscious.
You do not mess with an irritated fairy’s pizza order. She will make you regret it.
Well, by the time the police got there, the drunk was awake again, and just as loud as he was before. Only this time, he wanted to take out his frustrations on whoever had knocked him out.
Tasers, as always, are still amazing things. This time, however, Scarlett didn’t laugh. She just watched as the drunk fell to the floor, then cried for his mommy. After all, her main concern was that the cook go back to prepping her pizza.
After nearly thirty minutes, the pizza was done and it was time for Scarlett to pay for her order. Now, as I’ve said in the past, she doesn’t carry any money, or a purse for that matter. She was prepared to give a decent barter for this pizza.
So she had the cook pull some coins out of his pocket. One of the coins was an 1886 Morgan silver dollar, apparently something he carried for luck. When she conjured the silver coin into solid gold, the cook stared in amazement and accepted her payment.
Scarlett found that getting home was a lot easier than she expected. The cook was so appreciative, that he arranged with a couple of buddies who flew cargo planes to drop her off at Philadelphia International Airport. After a relatively normal (and professional) flight, she lugged the pizza back to her home in Lawndale.
It wasn’t easy, but she did it. When a fairy is determined to do something, be prepared to stay out of her way.
By the time she put her pizza in suspended animation, and laid down to sleep, she realized that she had been away from home for more than two days.
Then her alarm clock went off and she groaned. Now it was time for her to go to school.
I sure hope O’Neill’s class wasn’t too boring for her.