Time for another Scarlett the Fairy story...
Scarlett the Fairy and the Snowball Fight
It was the time of year when the air is cold, snow is on the ground, and high school students suddenly find religion as they pray for a two- or three-hour delay. Better yet, an actual snow day.
Yes, it was winter in Lawndale and Scarlett the Fairy was quite busy.
Why’s that, you ask? Because our young heroine was taking Mr. O’Neill’s English Literature class and now she had to write a ten-page book report on George Orwell’s 1984.
Needless to say, that book wasn’t Scarlett’s first choice of books to read and write about. Nor was it her second-choice, third-choice and, well, you get the idea. It’s just that Mr. O’Neill didn’t feel that either Fairy Romance Adventures or Full Metal Fairies classified as English Literature. Even despite the fact that both series were published in London.
Life just isn’t fair to fairies, you know?
Thinking about that as she flew outside was enough to make the young fairy’s lip stick out in irritation. Yes, on this cold, cloud-covered, and dreary day, Scarlett was flying to the library so that she could research both Orwell and that book.
Poor Scarlett actually had read that book over the course of a week and afterward had dreams where she was Julia to Kevin Thompson’s Winston Smith.
Needless to say, our young heroine cringed whenever she thought of hedgerows and apartments that happened to be located over pawn shops.
Especially when she thought about what happened behind those hedgerows and in that apartment.
But then she also dreamed of Mr. O’Neill being a member of the Thought Police and taking her to Room 101.
Did you know that Scarlett’s one terror was having to share a bed with Kevin and the three Js in a hotel room? Well, in her dream it was, and since Mr. O’Neill combined his Thought Police duties with his role as Self-Esteem teacher, he made the red-headed fairy do just that.
Did you know that dark circles under the eyes look really funny? They sure did the mornings after Scarlett’s dreams. Why don’t you ask her about that sometime? I could use the entertainment.
Oh, well, enough about that. Let’s get back to Scarlett’s impending book report. She didn’t even want to think about what Mr. O’Neill would say about the real person fic she wrote about a drummer from a certain metal band (coughBackflashcough) and a shy, young, Goth fairy girl (guess who?) and how they fell in love with one another.
No, the fairy in the story wasn’t named Mary Sue. Well, not technically, that is. Though the artwork she did for the story had the young fairy with red hair cut much like hers, and wearing clothing much like she wore. It’s just a coincidence.
Yeah. It’s a coincidence. And I’m Bill Murray, too.
Let’s get back to our story. Scarlett flew over the snow-covered sidewalks and tried to ignore the cold air.
Did you know that fairies don’t shovel their sidewalks? It’s true, since they just usually fly over the snow anyway. I mean, they might sweep off the front step, but that’s it. For the most part, they consider snow to be a human problem, and ignore it.
Fairies have been known to try conjuring the snow into something else, such as balloons, or butterflies, or simply water.
Remember now that Scarlett’s conjuring abilities is a bit...off, shall we say? Well, she tried to conjure the snow on her lot into balloons once, and ended up with a yard and sidewalks covered with sliced pepperoni.
Thankfully, it was December when she had tried that, and it was somewhat cold when she did that. Virtually all the dogs in Lawndale enjoyed it, though.
Too bad that the snow had been up to fourteen inches deep in places when she did that little bit of conjuring. One good bit of circumstances that happened from this was that the math and statistics class at Lawndale State University came over and estimated exactly how many pounds of pepperoni there actually was.
I always find it amazing how easy people get used to erratic fairies, litigious saber-toothed tigers, teddy bears that make muffins and rainbow koala bear families that live amongst the humans. Maybe that’s because people are just as insane as the rest of them.
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you that it was nearly thirteen thousand pounds of pepperoni. Can you imagine having to shovel up all of that?
I think I’d rather shovel snow.
That’s another story.
Well, Scarlett’s path to the library involved flying over an abandoned lot where the neighborhood children liked to play. Impromptu baseball and football games would be played here. It was usually kept well-mowed and clean just for that purpose.
Today, there was a snowball fight amongst many of the high school boys, some of whom were also in Scarlett’s English Literature class. On one side was Kevin Thompson, a boy named Robert and Ted DeWitt Clinton. On the other side were the three Js and several underclassmen. And while Kevin, Robert and Ted were outnumbered, it seemed that they had some sort of advantage over their opponents.
Scarlett hovered in the air as she weighed her options. She could go through the lot and risk being pelted by snowballs, or she could fly over the sidewalks and take the safe and normal route to the library. But flying over the lot cut at least ten minutes off her trip and the air was cold...
Our young fairy did her best to set a speed flying record over the lot, and she weaved and bobbed to avoid the various snowballs. For instead of throwing at each other, all the boys turned their attention, and their snowballs, towards her.
To her amazement (and their disappointment), not a single snowball hit Scarlett and she hovered in the air at the other end of the lot. Then she turned around and stuck her tongue out at the assembled boys.
That was when Ted flipped a switch on some wooden device. A scoop of snow was lifted off the ground and flung into the air towards Scarlett.
Isn’t trebuchet a funny word? It doesn’t sound as dirty as, oh, say, fairy fu, but it still sounds funny.
Scarlett, however, wasn’t laughing. The young fairy’s eyes were wide open, her mouth had formed an “O” as she watched a medicine ball-sized snowball coming straight at her.
Imagine, if you will, the dignity of the meeting between fairy and snowball.
Well, maybe the word dignity is the wrong choice. Collision course might be more fitting here.
To Scarlett, it was as if she were hit by part of an avalanche as she was knocked out of the air. To the boys, it was a victory of sorts and they cheered as one as they rushed to give her a hand...or two.
By the time that the snowball/fairy combination landed on the ground, all that could be seen of Scarlett was her arms, legs, red hair and part of her wings.
Kevin decided to be a gentleman and help her out of the snow, by brushing said snow off of her left leg.
He really shouldn’t have tried to lift her skirt at the same time, though. After all, a practitioner of fairy fu is always ready to react when the need arises. And feeling her thigh exposed to the cold air means that the need has arisen. She may be half-frozen, but she’s always ready to react.
It’s a real pity that she still had snow in her face and eyes and her kick connected with Joey’s left knee.
So while Joey hopped around on his right leg at the same time he held his wounded knee, Kevin proceeded to clean off Scarlett’s thighs.
To our befuddled and sight-deprived fairy, the situation seemed a bit grim. Not only did she feel fingers on her now-bared legs, but someone else opened her jacket and brushed the snow off of her top, while another person piled more snow on her face. Then, she felt a finger move over her mouth.
Did you ever wonder what a fairy bite feels like? I don’t think Jamie did, but if he did, he doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He cried out as loud as he could as he tried to pull his hand free, which briefly startled the other boys and gave Scarlett the opportunity to free herself of the snow and her so-called helpers.
She rose off the ground, her face beet red and her expression furious. It has been shown in the past that angry fairies don’t use their wings, and this was no exception. Besides, she still had snow all over her, and her wings were weighted down.
Talk about a frosted fairy.
Robert was the next person to experience Scarlett’s personal touch, which involved being knocked onto his belly and having his face repeatedly mashed into a once ice-covered mud puddle.
He sure looked funny waving his arms around and kicking his legs in a panic.
The other boys took advantage of the situation by running in all directions. That made our young heroine pause as she considered her options. Pursue all of them or give one or two a more detailed correction? Or just stop and do her needed research?
Ah, the dilemmas of multiple responsibilities.
She abandoned Robert after pushing his face into the near-frozen mud one more time, gathered her stuff and went to the library.
The next day, she turned in a detailed report about how much she didn’t like the book and how reading Orwell could cure an insomniac. When one of the boys asked her how hard it was to get snow out of her hair, she smiled and said nothing.
After school, the boys went back to the abandoned lot to resume their snowball war. After all, it had been interrupted the evening before by the appearance of a pretty fairy. Once again, Kevin, Ted and Robert had the upper hand over the three Js and their friends, because the trebuchet was a wicked snowball-throwing tool.
Guess who showed up and hovered in the air over the lot like a curious child? Once again, snowballs were used in an attempt to bring her...down to earth, so to speak.
Scarlett decided to try her hand at teleportation again. I mentioned once how her last attempt had been in class, and ended with her skirt neatly ending up back at her house, whilst she (and the rest of her clothes) remained in the classroom.
Maybe this time, she’d do a better job of it. She furrowed her eyebrows in thought and concentrated as she brought all of her fairy powers to bear.
Suddenly, all the boys cried out as their pants disappeared. Several of them ran in a panic, while the others tried to figure out what had happened.
Scarlett simply flew to the trebuchet and...took over.
It should be noted that fairies are very good at making snowballs fast. Only elves are better, but they have an advantage because they have all year to practice. Fairies are lucky if they get three months a year to practice.
Kevin was the first person she fired at. He had stood there proudly, unashamed of his “manly” physique, especially since Scarlett could now see him, at least from the waist down. But when the large snowball hit his midsection, he let out one of the most high pitch squeals ever heard in Lawndale.
Maybe Brittany’s rubbing off on him.
Heh. We better not go there. This is a classy tale, as you know.
Robert was one of those who ran. Having to wash mud off of his face the night before had not been fun, and he had no intention of suffering that fairy’s wrath again.
It was a pity that the snowball that hit him not only soaked the back of his underwear but also knocked him face first into a mud puddle.
Talk about breaking the ice.
Anyway, Scarlett flew away from the abandoned lot, a satisfied smile on her face, while a lot of befuddled and pants-less boys laid in the lot, their modesty at least covered by snow.
Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold.
But, I wonder where all the pants ended up?