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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:23 pm 
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Wow! It sounds like a televisual emetic!

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 11:48 pm 
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What do you call an Oklahoma man who prematurely ejaculates?

A Boomer Too Sooner.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 12:10 am 
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This is from Jason Lee's character Brodie in the movie Mallrats...

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?"

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:58 pm 
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One of my friends posted this on Facebook...

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?", the first man asks the second. "I froze to death", says the second. "That's awful", says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack", says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic", he says. "What do you mean?", asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:46 pm 
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My mom just told me this one...

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:56 pm 
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:lol: I'm thinking I should re-name this "The Mouldy Old Joke Thread".

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 2:32 pm 
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Someone posted this on another message board I check out...

Every Saturday night I go to the same casino, use the same machine, use the same numbers and it spits out loads of cash.

You'd think they would call it something cooler than "ATM".

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 1:31 am 
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^^

:lol:

Since there may be people who don't get it (even here at SFMB) here's one of the other definitions in case anyone doesn't get it:

ATM

I recently had to explain such terms last month when showing Epic Rap Battles of History (like "tossing the salad" and "dirty sanchez") and when convinced it wasn't that commonly known I showed other YT that used such phrases that were fairly mundane (that is, not trying to be extreme or shocking), like this one (to go right to it, it's 3:00-3:10):



And then asked her, "So what does it say about a society that needs words and phrases like this to function?" The look on her face as she thought about it was priceless.

:lol:

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 1:38 am 
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A man goes to Heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks.

A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with an ugly woman and says, "This is who you will spend eternity with."

A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and again says, "This is who you will spend eternity with."

After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. Peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and asks, "What could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman?"

The woman says, "I don't know, all I did was step on a duck."

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:20 pm 
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:lol: Oh, lord - they keep getting older!

It's good though - I'd forgotten a lot of them! :lol:

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 5:37 pm 
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Got this one from a Facebook page.

Guy goes to his doctor and says "doc you gotta help me, my dick is turning orange!" Doctor tells him to disrobe and sure enough, the man's penis is orange. The doctor runs all these tests for diseases and they all come back negative. So the doctor asks him "when did you first notice that your penis was turning orange?" The man replies "right after my wife left me, I noticed it started to turn orange." The doctor asks "so, what have you been doing since your wife left you?" To which the man replies "oh, you know doc, I just sit around the house, watching porn and eating Cheetos."

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:40 pm 
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Three guys die and go to heaven.

"How much did you make a year?" asks St Peter of the first.

"Oh, about half a million" he says.

"Ah - you must be a doctor," says St Pete. "Come on in." Turning to the next he asks the same question.

"About a million I guess," says he.

"Ah - you're a lawyer! Come on in!"

He turns to the next guy who looks a little down-at-heel and asks the question.

"I dunno," he says. "Maybe ten thousand."

"Oh," exclaims St Pete. "What instrument do you play?"

_________________
"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:49 pm 
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What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:53 pm 
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What does a stripper do with her asshole?

Drop him off at band practice.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:30 pm 
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:lol:

How do you know when the drum riser's level?

When the drool runs evenly out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:43 pm 
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Ever heard about the man who accidentally drunk whiteout instead of Liquid Viagra?

He woke up the next morning with a huge correction.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:27 pm 
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:lol:

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:55 am 
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Semi-retired wrestler Al Snow once had this to say...

My friend saw me lying on the couch earlier and said, "don't you get tired of doing nothing?"

"Yeah of course, but I just take a little nap and that fixes me right up."

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:17 pm 
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Hope y'all don't mind yet another tasteless joke...

Two guys and a girl go out hunting. One of said guys tries to shoot down his target but ends up hitting the girl on accident.

The other guy says almost immediately, "I had no idea we were hunting beaver!"

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:50 am 
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Jeremy Garrett wrote:
Hope y'all don't mind yet another tasteless joke...

Mind? We demand them.

Although tastelessness, while good, isn't a sole identifier of quality. ;-)

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 6:53 am 
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My friend Silo shared this on his Facebook...

Jesus wanted to know what his destiny was, so he went to a palm reader.

She nailed it.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:50 am 
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What do you call a new wave band made up of spiders?

Durantula Durantula.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:26 am 
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What does a cheap hotel and skinny jeans have in common?

No ball room.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:26 pm 
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I'm ripping this one off from The Vicar of Dibley (although I'm sorta paraphrasing):

Three nuns are driving in a car, which crashes because, you know, setup. At the Pearly Gates, they meet St. Peter, to their delight (being that they didn't sacrifice their entire lives for nothing).

"Okay," he tells them. "Being that you're all apparently members of the order, us here in Paradise think it's only fair to allow you entrance after correctly answering a question." He goes over to the first nun.

"How many apostles were there?" he asks.

"Twelve," she responds.

"Correct. Go in." The gates open, and she enters. He goes to the next one.

"How many persons of the Lord are there?"

"Three," she answers.

"Yup, go in." He goes over to the last one, the mother superior. As such, he feels the need to amp up the difficulty.

"All right, mother. What were Eve's first words upon seeing Adam?"

She's patently stumped. She thinks for a few minutes, then shrugs. "Wow, that's a hard one."

"Right, you're in."


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 6:38 pm 
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Good one, SE.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 7:42 pm 
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I think they're getting worse. :?

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 12:27 pm 
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A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "how did this happen my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the Second Coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "what makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "because I swallowed the first one."

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 1:40 pm 
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 3:53 pm 
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Jeremy Garrett wrote:
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

:lol: Not bad.

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:34 pm 
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

He thought it was a delivery service.

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