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PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2013 3:35 pm 
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2013 3:38 pm 
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Here's one I'd forgotten about...

Image

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:39 am 
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I want one of these.

http://www.perpetualkid.com/acme-trap-door-doormat.aspx

This one is fun too:

http://www.perpetualkid.com/funny-come- ... 8.facebook

I wish they'd offer another one with a big bullseye on it, paired with a sign to go on the door that says something like "DANGER. FALLING OBJECTS."

Cross

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 12:41 am 
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Gettin' Jiggy With It

What really goes on in the woods at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... czxQ#at=20


Cross

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 1:03 pm 
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A dawg walks up to a stable with a coupla thoroughbreds leaning out the stable and he says "Must be nice having your pampered life, all the fillies you can handle, best food money can buy, and all that glory and stuff, " and walks off.

One stallion looks at the other and goes, "Well dip me in shit and roll me in cracker crumbs -- a talking dog!!" Har-har.

Cross

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:12 pm 
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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked..

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, ” Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person…"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:13 pm 
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Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: ”Windows frozen.”

Husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it.”

Wife texts back: “Computer completely fucked now.”

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:54 pm 
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:lol: I don't know why, but I just think this is funny:


http://i.imgur.com/Lk1TxV8.gif


If this works, it is a first for me -- the first time I have ever been able to successfully post a moving graphic since -- let's see -- sometime in 2000. Thirteen years, give or take.

Cross

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 29, 2013 6:18 pm 
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 12:41 am 
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A priest, a rabbi, a duck, a blonde, a man with a 12" pianist, and a piece of string all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:04 am 
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Took this from a GWAR song...

How do you hide money from a hippie? Put it under the soap.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 22, 2013 5:13 pm 
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Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:45 am 
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My brother Jake told me this the other night...

What do you call a kid crushed by a piano? A flat minor.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 5:02 am 
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What did the buffalo say to his kid who was leaving?

Bison.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:04 pm 
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' My favorite talking Dog joke is:

A guy is browsing the paper and sees an ad that simply reads: Talking Dog For Sale.

The guy always wanted a dog and figures that it might be worth checking out.

He drives to the house, rings the bell, and the owner opens the door.

"You here about my dog?"

"Er, yea.."

"He's in the back."

The owner wanders to another room so guy leads himself to the backyard where a well groomed Labrador is sitting.

They eye each other in silence before the guy hesitantly ask, "So...You talk?"


The Lab cocks his head to side before replying in clear plain English: "Yep!".

After picking his jaw off the floor, the guy exclaims 'Oh my god! How is this possible?!"

The Lab looks up and says, 'Truth be told, I dunno. I was just born this way."

"My mom and dad lived on a farm in Kansas. I spent the first few years of my life herding cattle and running errands for our masters. But I realize pretty quickly that I should be doing more with my special talent."

"I decided that I wanted to help protect the country I love so much and got in touch with the CIA . In no time at all they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"Thanks to the intelligence I gathered, the CIA was able to prevent dozens of terrorist plots against the U.S."

"I was their most valuable spy for over a decade. But all the traveling tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, saw them all through Police Dog Academy, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He runs back into the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! And a hero! Why on earth are you selling him for so cheap?"

"Because he's a goddamn liar! He never did any of that shit!" '

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 12:51 am 
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Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car some drunks pulls up alongside of them. One shouts, "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!"

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Meara closest to the drunks and say, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross."

So Sister Meara rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Meara looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:09 pm 
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A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

"I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 7:44 pm 
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Looks like the reincarnation of an old one, but at least Cross should like it:

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® netbook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone4S®, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of 'em," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cattle, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 7:44 pm 
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Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million dollars in forged US banknotes and 25 prostitutes --- all located in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked,.......we never knew we had a library."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2014 5:29 am 
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Lulubelle
Lulubelle
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Location: Gainesville, FL
What happened to the man who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

His next trip to the bathroom spelled disaster.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2014 3:26 pm 
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Lulubelle
Lulubelle
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Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2012 5:30 am
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Location: Gainesville, FL
How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

"HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN?"

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:40 pm 
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When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

Feeling confident in his impending wealth he walked right up to her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary man but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Suddenly he wondered how hardhearted that sounded to speak of his father that way, and wondered if she'd look at him with desire and disgust. He opened his eyes to find her very interested and he smiled.

She went home with him that evening.

And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

:P

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2014 1:48 am 
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A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide. He has lost his job, his home, and his car.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem is. The man replies that he has nothing to live for…everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells the man that he is the devil, and he would grant three wishes in return for a b10w job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute and agrees to the terms offered. First, he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6-bedroom house with baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is now Senior VP at IBM…

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work. The evil image tells the man he now has 2 Lincoln Towncars in his new 2-car garage.

"Well," the evil image says, "it’s time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed. They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

"Well," says the man who performed, "Did you really think I was going to jump?"

With that, the evil image asks the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:42 pm 
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Lulubelle
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Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2012 5:30 am
Posts: 295
Location: Gainesville, FL
I was going to post this on the PPMB, but I figure this would fit in much better here...

Two guys are walking down a sidewalk when a bird craps on one of them. He's asked if he wants a paper towel to clean up, to which he replies, "but it just flew off."

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:28 pm 
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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way, so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses!"

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"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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