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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:09 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:47 pm 
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Why did the dinosaur fail his driving exam?

He couldn't jurassic park.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:22 am 
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This is a joke you either will get or won't:

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender, "Pour me a pint of beer." The second one says, "Same as him, but half a pint." The third one says, "Pour me a quarter of a pint," and so on. It gets to the point that the bartender just screams out, "You're all idiots!" and pours them two pints.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 4:54 pm 
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SinisterExaggerator wrote:
This is a joke you either will get or won't:

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender, "Pour me a pint of beer." The second one says, "Same as him, but half a pint." The third one says, "Pour me a quarter of a pint," and so on. It gets to the point that the bartender just screams out, "You're all idiots!" and pours them two pints.

:lol: Nice. You win the prize for most intelligent joke posted yet.

BTW - it should be "an infinite number", not "an infinite amount". ;-) Mathematicians are frangibles.

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 5:57 pm 
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"We'd better perk up or people will think we're nuts!"

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:13 pm 
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A blonde walks into a bank in NYC and says she needs to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week business trip in Europe. The bank officer says they'll need some kind of security so she hands over the keys and title to her Rolls Royce parked outside, and after it checks out they approve the loan and an employee parks her Rolls Royce in the underground parking lot of the bank, only to return to join in the laughing at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later the blonde returns and pays back the loan with the $15.41 interest. The bank officer thanks her but says, "Miss, we're very happy to have your business and the transaction worked out nicely, but we're puzzled. We checked you out and found you're a multimillionaire, so we were wondering why you needed a loan for $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I expect to park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and still expect it to be there when I return?"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 11:08 pm 
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:lol: If I had a RR I'd try that!

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PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2013 7:45 pm 
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Here's something from Bill Cosby's special, Himself.

Because of my father, between the ages 7 through 15, I thought my name was Jesus Christ. He'd say "JESUS CHRIST!" And my brother Russell thought his name was "Dammit". "Dammit, will you stop all that noise? And Jesus Christ, SIT DOWN!" So one day I'm out playing in the rain. My father said "Dammit, will you get in here?" I said "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

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PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 2:50 pm 
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How does a platform introduce itself?

I'm a dais, I'm a dais,
I'm a dais, I'm a dais...


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PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 5:50 pm 
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SinisterExaggerator wrote:
How does a platform introduce itself?

I'm a dais, I'm a dais,
I'm a dais, I'm a dais...

I don't get it.

_________________
"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 5:00 am 
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Deref wrote:
SinisterExaggerator wrote:
How does a platform introduce itself?

I'm a dais, I'm a dais,
I'm a dais, I'm a dais...

I don't get it.


Perhaps this didn't make as many waves in Oz as I thought it did:


(Look for it at about 1:12)


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 8:57 pm 
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Ah. Thanks.

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 2:17 am 
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Liver and White Springer Spaniel in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'He told Sniffer to 'search'.Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.The Springer sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.''I like it!' said his seat mate.The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to do his business all over the place.The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

_________________
"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 7:01 pm 
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:lol:

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2013 12:35 pm 
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Here's a so very wrong joke from one of George Carlin's specials...

Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

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PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 2:29 pm 
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:lol:

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Mon May 27, 2013 7:17 pm 
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A Roman centurion walks into a bar. "Ave. I'll take a martinus, please."

The bartender eyes him with a particularly puzzled look. "Uh...sir, do you mean a 'martini'?"

The centurion takes up the bartender by the collar and screams into his ear, "If I wanted a fucking double, I'd have asked for one!"


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:17 am 
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A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo mate!"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:21 am 
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A Texan farmer visits an Aussie farmer. The Aussie shows the Texan his wheat field, and the Texan says the wheat fields are twice as big in Texas. The Aussie shows his herd of cattle and the Texan says they have longhorns twice as large as his cows. Then the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos. "What the heck are those?"

The Aussie farmer blinks and asks, "What, don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:58 pm 
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Dervish wrote:
A Texan farmer visits an Aussie farmer. The Aussie shows the Texan his wheat field, and the Texan says the wheat fields are twice as big in Texas. The Aussie shows his herd of cattle and the Texan says they have longhorns twice as large as his cows. Then the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos. "What the heck are those?"

The Aussie farmer blinks and asks, "What, don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

:lol:

_________________
"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 7:17 pm 
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"What are these goddam animals?!"

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid ... =1&theater

Cross

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"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:11 am 
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crossada75 wrote:
"What are these goddam animals?!"

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid ... =1&theater

Cross

:lol:

Image

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"A great deal of Security is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears. If it's even there at all, it is needlessly complex and frilly; looks good without actually covering much; and is far to easy to get around or remove completely."
- David Boston


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:34 am 
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Calvin: Hobbes, I need a favor. I need you to ...

http://joyreactor.com/post/531804

Cross

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"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 6:34 pm 
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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died."

Paddy replied, "Well then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've already spent it."

Paddy said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey!"

Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898"

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back."

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 6:40 pm 
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The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) decided to subject Grandpa to a full audit, and summoned him to the local tax office. The HMRC auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that HMRC finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "Would you like a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Very well. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, without a drop falling anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so once again, he agrees.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't quite make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a substantial win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really." says the lawyer. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for a tax audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:01 am 
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Couple of quickies:

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A man walks to a bar. Ouch.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 9:26 am 
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Taken from another forum I visit:


Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over. The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going. Heisenberg replies that they do not, but know with high precision where they are. The cop thinks that’s weird, and begins to search the vehicle. He opens the trunk and asks, “Did you know you've got a dead cat in the trunk?” Schrodinger says, “Well, now we do.”

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"The prosecution asserts that this shit is off the hook."
- Penny Arcade

"There is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder operating under the illusion of a master plan. Big Brother isn't watching you! Who do you think the establishment is? It's just guys like me. Their desks are bigger, but their jobs aren't. They don't conspire, they buy boats."
- dialogue from The Cube


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 11:47 pm 
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Location: Up to my eyebrows and sinking . . .
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.



How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

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"The prosecution asserts that this shit is off the hook."
- Penny Arcade

"There is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder operating under the illusion of a master plan. Big Brother isn't watching you! Who do you think the establishment is? It's just guys like me. Their desks are bigger, but their jobs aren't. They don't conspire, they buy boats."
- dialogue from The Cube


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:17 pm 
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/ ... 7023_n.jpg


Cross

_________________
"The practical reason for freedom is that freedom seems to be the only condition under which any kind of substantial moral fiber can be developed — we have tried law, compulsion and authoritarianism of various kinds, and the result is nothing to be proud of." -- Albert Jay Nock, "On Doing the Right Thing", in The American Mercury (1925)

‎"Men in a state of decadence employ professionals to fight for them, professionals to dance for them, and a professional to rule them." -- G.K. Chesterton

"No man is so exquisitely honest or upright in living, but that ten times in his life he might not lawfully be hanged." -- Montaigne

"But to live outside the law, you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan

"Unjust laws can be altered, as well as made. There's a new spirit in the world. Taxed out of existence, robbed of their independence by the government, the people must fight back how they can. What we're doing here is just a pin-prick. But a thousand pin-pricks put together ... " -- Christopher Syn

"Not in the flight of thought, but in the act alone is there freedom" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire ... Must be a yearning deep in the human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws — always for the other fellow." -- Robert Heinlein


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 5:43 pm 
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Blond men jokes:


A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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