The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) decided to subject Grandpa to a full audit, and summoned him to the local tax office. The HMRC auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that HMRC finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "Would you like a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Very well. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, without a drop falling anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so once again, he agrees.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't quite make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a substantial win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really." says the lawyer. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for a tax audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock
"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page
"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above