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 Post subject: Doggieboy's Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 7:07 pm 
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Lulubelle
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I've decided to start a thread of old, bad and downright silly jokes, for no other reason but to amuse myself.

This joke is rated PG-13, so if you're easily offended (why are you on the SFMB if you are?) then you are forewarned.


Joke 1:

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, balls, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."


**********


Before you laugh at me and my coffee, just remember that one day, you too will be old and weak. :razz:

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:56 am 
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Okay - bad jokes.


What's grosser than gross? Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.

***

What's grosser than gross? Biting into a jumbo hot dog and striking a vein.

***

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Rottweiler.

***

A lawyer falls off a yacht in shark-infested waters, but doesn't get attacked - why? Professional courtesy.

***

The Devil comes up to Earth looking for souls. He finds the first three persons he sees - three guys - and tells them 'I'm going to grab your dick. If it melts, you're going straight to hell. If it doesn't, you get three wishes, anything you want, with no drawbacks.'

The White guy agrees and the Devil grabs his dick - GLUB! It melts, and he gets sucked right into Hell.

The Asian guy agrees and the Devil grabs his dick - GLUB! It melts, and he gets sucked right into Hell.

The Black guy agrees, the Devil grabs his dick - NOTHING. The Devil grabs his dick again, even harder - still nothing.

Frustrated, the Devil looks up at the Black guy to say 'Why won't your dick melt?" The Black guy replies, 'Didn't you hear? Chocolate melts in your mouth - not in your hand.'

***

_________________
Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey. But we do it anyway, together.

-Jon Stewart



"We have a right to fight for our country - the same as every other American. We will not go away."

-Col. A.J. Bullard (Terrence Howard), Red Tails



"If we can't protect the Earth - you can be damn well sure we'll avenge it."

-Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), The Avengers


"Sometimes you have to spontaneously break into song - right?" - Mack, from Teen Beach 2



The PSI Corps is your friend. Trust The Corps.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:34 pm 
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BG, you just put me off of my V8 juice. :lol:


Joke 2 from Doggieboy: Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Wow!" says the man, "Nice boobs! Now, where do you want the blinds?"

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2011 3:53 pm 
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you want some sick jokes?

------------

Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people. St. Peter sees her and beckons her to the front. "Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks. St. Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot!"

------------

So, Maddie's parents are 'confident the child spotted in India isn't Maddie'.

I suppose, if you buried her yourself you'd be pretty fucking confident.

------------

My wife picked me up from work on Friday, she surprised me with a romantic weekend away in Paris.

It was like a little adventure! Driving on the wrong side of the road and having people beeping their horns and shouting insults in foreign langauges.

But she somehow managed to get through London and arrived at heathrow.

------------

As the consultant neurosurgeon made the final, delicate adjustments to his experimental apparatus he turned to my wife, nodded and asked: "Ready?"

Ever since the car crash she had been paralysed from the neck down and the prognosis had been very definite: She won't get better.

Then along had come this neurosurgeon with some new ideas, a working model for overcoming the damage caused by the accident and the need for a subject to test his theories on. My wife had immediately given her consent and here, fourteen weeks later, he was ready to try and change her life forever.

"Ready?"

"Ready." My brave wife replied. He applied power to the apparatus which transferred carefully modulated signals via contact electrodes to her cranium and spinal column. At first, nothing. He increased the power by 5%. Still nothing. He increased the power by another 10%. A flicker of pain passed over my wife's face as the current through the electrodes made itself felt then, as if she was trying to touch an angel, the fingers on her right hand twitched.

Tears filled my eyes as I leaned over to her and whispered the words we never thought we'd hear between us again.

"How about a hand job?"


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:29 pm 
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JJXB, I'm glad I wasn't drinking when I read the hand job joke. Cleaning Mt. Dew off the computer screen isn't fun.

The Amy Winehouse joke reminds me of one told years ago. Comedian Pee-Wee Herman was arrested for masturbating in a theater, and about the same time, famous cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer was also arrested.

What people didn't know was that they were in the same holding cell together. Dahmer's first words to Herman? "Hey! Get your hands off of my food!"

**********

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. "I would have gotten out today."

**********
Time to honor the late Henny Youngman by paraphrasing one of his jokes...


A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, “Do what I do. I put my face up against my wife’s breasts and kiss on them, and the headache goes away.”

The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told you to?”

“Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

**********


If you aren't laughing at the jokes I post, don't worry. My wife simply groans when I tell them.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 8:55 pm 
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I don't know if this story is actually true, but I like it...


This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


**********

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 5:45 pm 
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And now, a decent joke I heard from a female preacher...

This United Methodist Church had just gotten a new pastor, and to the members' shock, it was a woman! The membership not only consisted of older parishioners, but instead of a men's group, they had the men's fishing club, and it was the normal tradition for the pastor to be a member of the club.

The men talked amongst themselves, and finally, they decided that they had to ask the new woman preacher if she wanted to fish with them that Saturday.

"I would love to!" she said. "I have to be back at the church at 2 p.m., though, to get ready for a wedding."

The men nodded and one of the older men said, "That will be no problem."

Well, that Saturday morning, the men's fishing club, plus the woman pastor, went out on a large reservoir and started fishing. For the first several hours, they didn't even get a nibble. By 1 p.m., they were about ready to give it up, when the fish started biting like mad.

As you may know, when the fish are biting, you stay and just don't stop. However, the pastor looked at her watch and said, "I need to get back to the church for that wedding."

"Don't worry," one of the men said. "We'll get you there. But we can't leave yet. The fish are biting."

She mentioned it again, and was once again put off. The pastor simply laid her fishing pole aside, climbed over the side of the boat and walked on top of the water to the pier. She made it to the parking lot, got into her car and left.

The men stared at this sight in amazement, and finally, one of the old men sighed and shook his head. "That just figures! We not only get a woman preacher, but she can't swim!"

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:42 pm 
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Bad Jokes don't go away. They just sit and ferment.

**********

Two Guys are in a health club locker room after playing tennis. One of them is putting on pantyhose.

The other man looks at him, shocked. “Since when do you wear pantyhose?” he asked.

The first man gave him a rueful smile. “Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!” he said.

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Last edited by Doggieboy on Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 5:56 pm 
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Ms. Sampson, a 6th-grade science teacher asked her class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raised a hand, so Ms Sampson called on the first student who looked her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times of its usual size when stimulated ?"

Mary stood up blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question!? I'm going to complain to my parents and have you fired!"

Ms. Sampson was shocked by Mary's outburst, but undaunted. She asked the class the question again, and this time Sam raised his hand.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye,"

"Very good, Sam, thank you," Replied Ms. Sampson.

She then turned to Mary and said,"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 5:57 pm 
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Here's one with Doggieboy in mind:



An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:23 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:


That is more true than most Christians want to admit.

Now, some wise sayings to tide you over for a couple of days...


Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.


Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.


Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.


Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.


War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.


Man who drive like hell bound to get there.


Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:32 pm 
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A man goes to his doctor for his physical. The doctor refers him to a urologist for a prostate check.

Much to his pleasant surprise, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

She says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99.”

The guy obeys and says, “99.”

The doctor says, “Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99.”

Again, the guy says, “99.”

The doctor states, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99.”

The guy responds, “One ... Two ... Three ...”

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Last edited by Doggieboy on Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:06 pm 
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:shock: Oh dear. If we keep this up we'll have to rename the thread "The Old Joke Cemetery". :lol:

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- David Boston


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 6:50 pm 
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O.K., I have one here.


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students, a boy named Johnny. She took him aside after classes one day and asked, "Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," he replied.

The young woman held back an urge to smile, but she asked him, "With whom?"

"With you," he replied.

"But Johnny," she replied, her voice gentle, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said, his voice eager and reassuring. "I'll use a rubber."

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 8:55 pm 
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My teachers were usually just pains in the butt, Sockpuppy.

**********

Here's another one:


A church has a new abbot, and one of his first responsibilities is to hire a new bell-ringer. So he puts an ad in the paper, and a bunch of people respond. He’s sitting in the bell tower, listening to them all audition for the role, and they’re all perfectly good bell-ringers, but none of them have that...spark, you know?

So just as the Abbot is about to pack it in for the night, the last guy on the audition list comes in and he’s hunchbacked and has no arms. And the Abbot WAS just going to send him home, but...I mean, the guy’s got no arms. The Abbot is thinking “...okay, I have to see this.” So he lets the guy audition, and it turns out the bell-ringer is ringing the bells with his face.

The guy is just beating the crap out of himself, taking a big long running start and smashing his face into the bells at full speed. But despite the kind of horrifying nature of it, the Abbot is listening...and it's actually sounding really good. The guy is a great bell-ringer!

So the Abbot is trying to get the guy to stop, so that he can offer him the job, and to make sure the guy doesn’t kill himself by smashing his face. So the Abbot yells, and the bell-ringer turns to look but he misses a step, catches his foot on a loose cobblestone, and pitches headlong out the window.

The guy falls the hundreds of feet to the street below, and the Abbot runs in a panic all the way down the hundreds of stairs. He finally gets to the street where the guy is clearly dead from the fall, and there’s a crowd of people gathering around gawking. The people are trying to figure out what's going on, and one of the guys standing around in the street says to the Abbot, “Abbot, what happened? Who is this man?”

The Abbot solemnly makes the sign of the cross and says “I never knew his name...but his face rings a bell.”

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Last edited by Doggieboy on Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:20 am 
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress so he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Montana to be as far away from humanity as possible. He sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:05 am 
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:lol: I chuckled.

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- David Boston


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:51 pm 
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Here's one that would get me banned from any other board I've ever been on:

Two gay men decide to have a baby so they mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" says one father to his gay lover. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:35 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Why am I'm laughing at that joke? I should feel guilty but I don't. :lol:

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:30 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

OK - that's the first joke anyone's posted here that actually made me laugh.

It also reminded me of this one.

A woman is giving birth in the maternity ward. As the baby's head emerges, the obstetrician looks up at the mother and says "Um, Mrs Smith, excuse me for asking, but is your husband black?"

"No," she answers. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid that your baby is black."

A look of concern passes over her face. "Oh dear. That would be Mr Jones, our neighbour. My husband was away for a while and Mr Jones was very nice, and I probably got a little more friendly with him than I should."

A few minutes passed and the baby's arms appeared, to the astonishment of the obstetrician. "Mrs Smith, your baby's arms are yellow!"

"Oooooh, that would be Mister Wong down at the Chinese restaurant! He was very nice to me while my husband was away, and I was probably a little nicer back to him than I should have been."

Finally the baby is born, and the obstetrician, no longer surprised, said "Mrs. Smith - your baby's legs appear to be native American!"

"Ooooh - that'd be Mr. White Cloud who delivers the groceries. He always made a point of helping me unpack them while I was pregnant and...well, you get the picture."

The obstetrician slapped the baby's bottom. It gulped air and emitted a healthy cry.

"Oh - thank God!" said Mrs. Smith.

"What?" asked the obstetritican.

"I was afraid it was going to bark."

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:24 am 
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:lol:

Ok, the dog part reminded me of this one:

A woman brings a duck to a vet but the vet says, "Your duck is dead."

"How can you be sure when you haven't done any tests?"

So the vet brings in a labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and then shakes its head. Next a cat sniffs the bird and shakes its head. The vet says, "Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead." Then he hands her a bill.

"$900 to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet replies, "If you had taken my word for it the bill would be $20 but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra."

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:30 am 
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I just remembered another one:

Two whales came across a boat and one says to the other, "Let's go tip that boat over." So they come up on each side and blow out with their blowholes so that it swings back and forth with greater and greater momentum and finally collapses spilling the crew overboard.

The whales dive down laughing when one goes, "Hey, wanna eat the people who fell out?"

"Forget it," answered the other whale, "I may give the occasional blowjob but I'm not swallowing any sea men!"

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"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:43 am 
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This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'!"

_________________
"Never underestimate the power of sex, which has built and obliterated families, nations, and food co-ops." --Dyke Drama, by Leslie Lange

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

"A penis was not meant to go into a man's butt, but rather a womens." --excerpt from an illiterate rant to a gay rights page

"if you consider the fact that cats and dogs are of the same species you would still find it odd if a cat acted like a dog now wouldn't you" --from the same rant as above


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 7:17 pm 
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:lol: The quality of jokes is improving.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:27 pm 
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Deref wrote:
:lol: The quality of jokes is improving.


That's not going to stop me from posting my usual bad and horrible jokes.

Dervish wrote:
Here's one that would get me banned from any other board I've ever been on:


I don't think I can tell this one to anybody I know, except maybe my son, and that would be awkward. Otherwise, :lol:

But I especially loved the joke about the Baptist church. It reminds me of a Baptist joke I heard once:

Two men, one a Catholic and the other a Presbyterian, die and go to Heaven at the same time to be greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He hugs both of them and welcomes them, then gives them a tour of the place. He leads them past one room where there is a joyous party going on, with music, good food and all around good cheer. He looks at them and says, "This is where the Methodists go."

Each room he takes them by, from Adventists to Catholics to Presbyterians to Unitarians is pretty much the same way. Finally, he leads them down a long hall and cautions them to be as quiet as they can.

At the room at the end of the hall, they look in to see a bunch of people sitting around, serious-looking, somber, silent, and decidedly full of absolutely no cheer whatsoever. St. Peter leads the two men away from the room and the Catholic man asked him, "Who are they, and why are they so unhappy?"

St. Peter sighed and said, "They're Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:40 pm 
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Part Two of my bellringer joke:

But that's not all. Either way the Abbot is still out a bell-ringer, right? So he’s still got to find someone, and he puts another ad on the paper. He’s frustrated, but he still needs a bell-ringer, so what are you gonna do?

So the next day, all the same bell-ringers show up. No one new. Just as before, nobody has that special magic touch that the hunchbacked fellow had. So at the end of the day, just as the Cardinal is throwing up his hands in frustration, in walks another hunchbacked guy with no arms.

Turns out, the previous bell-ringer has a twin brother. Apparently it was a genetic defect, or something—anyway, turns out the guy is even better at being a bell-ringer than the first guy. He’s amazing. A virtual bell-ringing prodigy. The Abbot, overjoyed that he won’t have to go another day without a bell-ringer, jumps to his feet in joy.

Well, this scares the bell-ringer, and he trips—over the same loose cobblestone the first guy tripped over, no less. Careening out of control, he pitches headlong out the window and falls the hundreds of feet to the street.

So the Abbot is freaking out at this point, and he sprints all the way down the stairs. He’s lost TWO bell-ringers now, so he’s gonna be in some SERIOUS trouble. So he finally reaches the street, where the crowd is already gathering. And just like yesterday, the people are confused. “Abbot,” says the same guy, “what happened now? And who is this man?”

The Abbot shakes his head sadly and says “I don’t know...but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:43 pm 
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Dervish wrote:
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress so he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Montana to be as far away from humanity as possible. He sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."


This joke made me laugh all day at work, but I couldn't explain it to my co-workers (P.C. anti-joking policy.)

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:42 pm 
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I'm still here, though at times I wonder. Oh, well, here's a blond guy joke...


A blond guy came home from work early and heard strange noises coming from his bedroom. He rushed upstairs and flung open the door to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

"I'm having a heart attack!" she cried out.

He rushed downstairs and grabbed the phone, but just as he started to dial 911, his four-year-old son came up to him and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slammed down the phone and stormed back upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten bastard!" the blond guy said. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:05 pm 
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:lol:

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 10:00 pm 
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Keeping in mind that I did set this up for really bad jokes...


What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping backwards?


A receding hareline!!!!!!


Sometimes I amaze myself.


This wasn't one of those times. :P

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